Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
