I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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