Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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