DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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