I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
