dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize