I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
