Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
