So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
