why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
