I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
