I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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