I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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