I hate all girls vehemently.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
