I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
