I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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