i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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