I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
