Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize