i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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