In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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