3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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