Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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