Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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