sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And then he peed in my hair
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