my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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