Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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