You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
