there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
