I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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