apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
