she woke up with a sticky ear
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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