I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
