I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize