I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
