party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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