I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
