Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
