mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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