did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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