I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Pants are for mortals
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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