party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize