i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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