I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
