Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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