I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
