You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
