The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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