He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
