Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
