She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
