I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
