I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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