I hate your face
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
