I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
