Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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